Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.