The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too