Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)