Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
When someone trying to leave me
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
do horses think humans are hats