ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Found the job I’m suited for
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.