last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?