me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse