me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol