One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Imma just leave this here…………
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.