If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
You Might Also Like
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Pikachu found the lost joint