@edfoxcomedy

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

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@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@iwearaonesie

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@Storminika

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

@LoveRebelRock

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.