In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea


wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!


11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.


I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’


4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.


I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…


Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.


This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.


It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.