Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You Might Also Like
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”