A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
You Might Also Like
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hey I worked for it too!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN