person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode