lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Um … Hot Wings please
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test