People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
oppen heimer style lol
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Boating season is upon us.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.