My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.