If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.