Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed