Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
wow
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.