I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
cats when you pet them too long:
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄