Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
You Might Also Like
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake