Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane