Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
never ask a starfish for directions
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
So we got a goldfish…
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.