Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.