Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls