Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*