When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Cats are still liquid.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.