When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.


Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”


I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.


Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning


I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.


This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life


Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.