@PeachCoffin

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

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@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

@WheelTod

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@pleatedjeans

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@BobTheSuit

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.