My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.