Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Siri: Retweet me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Where’s my employee discount too?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no