The dark side of Canada
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“i miss shittin on people”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.