When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The Weeknd is back
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.