If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
You Might Also Like
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.