Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep