When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.