Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My work here is done
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.