Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
There’s never enough good news
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.