TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???