HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store