gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
thats my bad
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Doggies just call it style.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.