gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”