There’s never enough good news
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.