My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
We’re all getting idioter.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?