Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.