Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.