Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes