I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
prepare for carbonated trouble
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket