Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.