I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs