Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If only.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too