Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”