It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Wednesday
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.